Things are not good

I know it - theoretically I know tgat everybody makes mistakes and that you should make mistakes to learn from them

I still do not want to make mistakes

I still would like to rip myself apart and stop existing everytime I make a mistake

Is that my life?

Crying on my own outside social events?
Being mad at myself for the things I say and being mad at myself for the things I don’t say?
Not being able to stop my brain from causing me pain?
Knowing that everybody expects me to be better but i am not?

Is that my life and will this forever be my life?

yep i don’t know

today my psychology teacher who’s some sort of councillor in our school and who i’ve seen as some sort of consulting in the past asked me how i’ve been, whether i’ve been all right and I was like “yeah”
and I was extremely self conscious all through the lesson
and I feel sort of bad now and want to cry and draw bright red patterns on my skin and also I feel sort of guilty

p.s. today I’ve also seen that therapist the first time after summer break

was it all nothing all the time?
Or when did it stop being everything?
when did it become nothing?

What if i’m never getting better…

yeah, it’s great to see old friends again…..especially great when you don’t know if it’s the last time you see them because they have cancer….and all you want is to hug them or at least talk to them but there’s something bugging you, namely years you haven’t talked…and you don’t want to seem like you’re just pitying them..and the whole time you’re overwhelmed by all the happy times you had togethet and how you really miss tjem and you’re upset how much it affects you….and nobody notices

there was something triggering this memory and now I feel so very horrible about something I did like two years ago and THIS IS OVERWHELMING AND I’M SO AWKWARD AND WOULD REALLY LIKE TO HURT MYSELF RIGHT NOW

I can’t even put into words how much I love my choir and that is something everyone should be privileged to experience.